Signing Out
by Padfoot24601
Summary: "So...this is it. I'm dead. Well, bugger me. I for one never saw that coming." Each Marauder had loose ends to tie up, so here are their attempts to do so through the medium of letter. Re-do of 'I Did It My Way'.
1. A Nice, Tasteful Funeral

**_Disclaimer: Regardless of what I write on UCAS forms, I did not write Harry Potter._**

**A/N: Yes, this is a re-write of _I Did It My Way_. I haven't written anything in a long time and I thought the best way to get back into it might be to edit some of my older posts. There are no major differences from the first go but I think I prefer this version. I aim to post each Sunday but considering that this is the middle of exam season, that may slip. Next up is Peter to James.  
Thank you. **

_Dear Sirius,_

_(I'm calling you Sirius rather than Padfoot because this is a serious letter and I want to set the tone with the second word. And the pun made me laugh.)_

_So…this is it. I'm dead. Well, bugger me. I for one __never__ saw that coming. Nope. Not even with Voldemort thirsting after my blood._

_As a married man – WITH A SON, no less, I like to think I'm somewhat in tune with my emotions. Writing this I realised that I'm really bloody not. I'm not quite sure where to start, but Lily says to do it by telling you how much I love you. I really do, mate. You're like my other half. I don't even care how gay that sounds! You're my man-whore, morally stunted, possibly criminally insane other half. Although don't tell Lily I said that as I have marriage vows that beg to differ. Not that Lily's a man-whore. I may be dead but I'm still scared of her._

_I know that if I'm dead it means that Peter might have betrayed us, but I doubt it. I probably did something stupid and got us caught. Either that or Lily finally snapped and killed me. Not going to lie, I deserved it if she has. __Look after her and Harry, please. Actually, get Remus to look after all three of you. I trust him more.  
__Not that he doesn't need looking after – get him a haircut, get him a girl, and for Christ's sake don't let him get drunk and listen to David Bowie at one in the morning! Seriously, one more rendition of Sound and Vision will be the death of me, and the reason why you are reading this letter._

_I hate writing this! I feel like I'm calling the fates on me. Oh Christ, I sound like Pete! There's another one you'll have to look after. Make sure to take him for walks and feed him everyday and don't let him lose his head or be taken victim of larceny by muggle prostitutes again. That was a court-case to remember. _

_I demand a nice, __tasteful __funeral with burlesque dancers and fire-eaters and perhaps a Shisha bar in the back corner of the church. I know I'm not Catholic but I really feel like the Pope should take the service, add a little prestige. My coffin is to be lowered to the Countdown theme tune and I want you to all wear black and cry a lot. Ask Remus to make some of his chocolate cloud cake; people go crazy for that stuff. _

_Despite what I said about the crying, I don't want you to get too hung up on my death and revert back to the Prince of Darkness. I know what you're like, you'll come over all moody and shout at everyone and turn up drunk everywhere. Actually, knowing you you'll get arrested for something like indecent exposure and the money I've left you (don't complain) will be used as bail. I've left you all a bit of money and few other things, but I won't tell you what because I want the will to be a surprise. Make sure Remus actually takes what I give him and doesn't come over all...well, all Remus-y.  
__Anyway, if things get too hard just make the change to dog permanent. I always liked you more when you couldn't talk._

_Regarding Remus, I know what your theories are but I'd like you to disregard them. Remus isn't an idiot, he knows that no matter what Voldemort says about werewolf rights, he doesn't mean it. I think that when I agreed with you about those things I was just panicking. Can you blame me? I have a kid to look after. And I was a little drunk. Don't tell anyone that I admitted this, but I still can't hold my drink. It's a source of constant shame that my wife can drink more than me. _

_I think that now is about the time for the touchy feely stuff: You are the best mate I could ever have had. This sounds cheesy, but you're basically my brother. Sirius, I know what it's like to be trapped so I want you to live your life to the full while you still can. Hopefully this war will be over in a bit and we'll all be able to go back to normal. _

_Just please, please, PLEASE look after Lily and Harry. If I'm gone Harry's going to need a dad, and failing that you'll do. Chances are, you're just reading this letter because it's my fiftieth birthday and I got drunk and, in a fit of sentimentality, decided to show it to you. I really hope you are at my fiftieth birthday party; I want to see you middle-aged. Possibly settled down? Or at least with a twenty-five year old blonde with never-ending legs?_

_I don't really have much to say, Pads. I've been writing this for two hours and now Harry's crying and it's my turn to change him. I always thought I'd have something dead witty and clever to say before I died, but I don't, so I'll just leave you with this:_

_I love you mate!_

_Love, _

_James_

_P.S. Lily says she loves you too._

_P.P.S. I have written I list of excuses just in case. Pass them onto Harry when he's older._

_Excuses_

_1. That woman in the bedroom was my healer, she was just giving me the once over for testicular cancer._

_2. I cannot come to work today because we had a party last night and now there is a strange man in my bed._

_3. The kneazle/dog/crup did it._

_4. I'm late? I thought you were early!_

_5. Voldemort did it._

_6. It's the Ministry's fault._

_7. I don't have that paper because someone said you were a rubbish head of department and it got torn up in the fight as I defended your name._

_8. I'm not drunk I'm just chemically inconvenienced._

_9. My wand is broken._

_10. I never said you were fat I just said there was a lot of you...personality wise I mean._

_Love,_

_James_


	2. However Ignoble

**_Disclaimer: Considering that the first book came out before I was even one years old, I think you can figure that I don't own Harry Potter._**

**A/N: Sorry this is a bit late in the night! I completely forgot that I was meant to be posting the next chapter until about five minutes ago. The next chapter is from Sirius, to Remus. In other news, X Men Days of Future Past is AMAZING! Seriously, it's the best one yet _and _Hugh Jackman gets completely naked.  
Enjoy! **

_Dear James,_

_I know the chances of you reading this letter are very slim. By the time I've finished writing it you'll probably be dead, for which I'm sorry. I only write this to clear my conscience and in hope that I may explain the reason behind what I have done. I was not tortured or coerced or even threatened. No blood was spilt trying to get the information out of me. I gave it willingly and knowingly out of choice, a choice that I do not regret. _

_I don't expect you to understand why I betrayed you, but the truth is I don't see what I have done as a betrayal. I see it as keeping my best interests at heart. Some people are born to protects and be brave, like you James – you are a true Gryffindor. I, however, am not. People like me; our primary purpose in life is to survive. It's a basic instinct – adapt or die, and I choose to adapt. _

_I was never meant for Gryffindor. I don't know what house I was meant for but it certainly wasn't the one the hat placed me in. _

_As you try to make sense of what I'm saying, I beg you to understand my motives however ignoble they are. At school you and Sirius were always the popular boys. The boys whom everyone wanted to know. I watched as you chased after Lily, and as girls chased after Sirius, even after Remus on occasion. That's the thing, though, I only __watched.__ I was never truly a part of it, was I? Remus tried to include me but it was a lost cause. For his kindness, I am attempting to spare him. I was never really a Marauder. The only person who knew this was Sirius, so I suppose I should thank him. Because of him I never got too attached to the group, if I had then I doubt I could have followed through with this. _

_I always felt like an outsider within the group I helped found. I know it's petty, but I was never quite good enough for you. I'm not good looking and I'm not especially academic. I am cunning, though. _

_Consider this payback for all those years of using me as something to make yourselves feel better. I tried my hardest to be a good friend, but it's time to put myself first. I don't hate you, James. I don't even dislike you. I just have to survive. Consider this the repayment of a debt and you doing what you were born to do. Protect. In doing this you are saving me, and I am securing you a worthy death._

_Consider this an apology._

_Peter_


	3. I'm Going To Be Honest, Mate

**_Disclaimer - Queen of the Moors I may be, but owner of Harry Potter I am not._**

**A/N: Hey. Sorry this is so late in the evening. Exam season will be the death of me. However, everything will be over by 10:20am ****tomorrow!  
Hope you enjoy this one. It was the most fun to write.**

_Dear Remus,_

_The worst has happened, and no, I don't mean a world chocolate shortage – I mean that I, Sirius Black, have departed from this world. I know, I know, what is the point of life if I am not there? After all, I __am__ the best thing that ever happened to you. Try not to cry too much, though, we'll meet again someday. Look for me when you come to heaven. You'll find me in the nearest strip club.  
By the way - if you're reading this and I'm still alive, put it the fuck down._

_I'm going to be honest, mate; I'm not really enjoying writing this letter. James sent me one and it was one of the most depressing things I've ever read. Imagine it: fresh out of Azkaban and I get greeted with a fucking goodbye letter! So sorry if this knocks you down a bit, but try not to go all Robert Smith on me. I know you; you'll revert back to 1977 and start wearing black eyeliner. Remus, it may have suited you then but it won't do now you've finally completed puberty. _

_Actually, I've just realised that if I'm dead then you're the last Marauder! (I'm not counting the Dick-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named) Try not to be too smug about it; you must remember that it's an __extremely__ important responsibility, akin to becoming Minister for Magic. But sexier. _

_Getting down to the businessy side of stuff: the house is Harry's. Just warn him about the…__thing__ in Kreecher's den (is it a monster? I think it might be my mother's spirit) and perhaps tell him to get the house fumigated…or demolished. You know what, fuck it and just leave everything to the kid. God knows he needs a hand in life. You'll find all the legal crap in my bedside cabinet or somewhere in my room, at least. _

_Don't go thinking I haven't left you anything, though! Upon my inevitably heroic and dramatic death a sizeable sum of money should be transferred to your Gringotts account. Use it to buy a pair of trousers that actually fit. I've had enough of seeing you in your dad's old ankle flappers! Also, get a haircut – you look like a seventies throwback. Oh, and stop shaking your head. I can sense you doing it, now I'm dead I'm omnipotent and I can tell you're already rejecting the money. Remus, I spent three years post-Hogwarts shoving galleons down the back of your sofa so please don't get all self-righteous now. I'm dead. What am I going to do with the money? _

_I have also left you my collection of "magazines" to entertain yourself with before you finally get a leg over Nymphadora. Speaking of which, when you do get with my cousin: hide those magazines. I'd say give them to Harry but I seriously doubt the Boy Who Lived will be struggling for girls. _

_Finally, I've encased in this letter a little list of pick-up lines. Maybe practice them before trying any on Tonks._

_Funeral wise I want a big one. I want, nee __demand__, a big band to play me out to Another One Bites The Dust. See if you can get the remaining members of Queen there. Mention my name to Brian May and he'll be putty in your hands. Try to get Stubby Boardman too, don't explain anything to him, just invite him and see what the Quibbler says. For my grave marker I don't just want some shit slab of stone with my date of birth and death on it. No, I want a fucking statue of me in all my prime – preferably naked. If you can't find anyone to sculpt me just steal that David one by that bloke (Michael-something?), I swear, the resemblance is uncanny. _

_Wear bright colours, too. I can't be having with any of that all-black bullshit. Also, get someone to dress up as the Grim Reaper and tap Dumbledore on the shoulder saying, "You're next…" I will piss myself if someone does that! Promise me you'll all get drunk, too. Minerva McGonagall included. _

_Okay. Down to the important, awkward stuff:_

_I did a lot of stupid things in my life. I said a lot of things I regret, as well. Nasty things. A lot of them directed at you. Let's be honest, I was a shit friend. I lied, I fucked you over, I bullied you, I slept with girls that you loved, and I'm pretty sure I sold your cat Vienna for rent. Then there was that whole thing with Snape and the Whomping Willow, which, if it hadn't been for James Hero Potter, would've resulted in someone's death. _

_Despite how all of this must have seemed, though, I did love you. Always will. Yes, it's soppy, but if I didn't have you when I came out of Azkaban then I don't think I'd have lasted. You truly were __the__ best mate a man could ever have wished for. _

_Don't mope over my death for too long because I know what you can be like, you moody bastard. I'll allow you one drunken listen to Without You by Harry Nilson then you have to get over it. Yes, I'm amazing, but you'll never get laid if all you can do is cry about me all the time. Girls don't like it when you break down in the middle of sex and start sobbing a man's name. It's off-putting. _

_Don't let Harry mope too much, either. I don't know what it is about the kid but he seems like he might be one of those people - all angsty and depressed (like you). Mind, I suppose that's just fifteen year olds for you. Damn! Look at me sounding all adult! _

_Just…look after him for me, yeah? Promise to do a better job than I have. _

_After I go you just need to get your life back on track and go for Tonks. I give you my honest to God blessing to shag the living daylights out of her. However, I only ask that you don't be a twat and dump her because you're "dangerous". By blood she is a Black, which means that she's the bloody dangerous one._

_Oh, and there's a pot of Vaseline on my bedside table, so if that muggle thing (cloning?) ever works you can get another me! If not, keep the pot for yourself and think of me when you use it. (Dirty bugger)_

_I'll miss you, you uptight, lanky, annoying, amazing little knob-head!_

_Signing out,_

_Sirius Black._

_P.S. Tell the ministry to go fuck themselves for me. _

_P.P.S. Sorry for eating your last bar of Honeydukes Finest chocolate. And for washing it down with your entire bottle of Firewhisky. I just have an addictive personality. I swear it's a problem! To the point where it could be diagnosed as a real illness. Perhaps alcoholism. _

_Signing out for real this time,_

_Sirius Black, Lord of the Dance._

_Pick up lines_

_1. If women were bogies I'd pick you._

_2. You may fall off a broom or from heaven, but the best way to fall is in love with me._

_3. If a fat bloke shoves you in a bag tonight don't worry because I asked for you for Christmas._

_4. Do I know you? Sorry it's just that you look a lot like my next girl friend._

_5. If I had a garden I'd put my two lips and your two lips together._

_6. You're so sweet that you put Honeydukes out of business._

_7. Hagrid's not the only giant around here you know?_

_8. My love burns for you like a dying phoenix._

_9. Are you slipping me Skele-Gro? Because you are growing me one __huge__ bone._

_10. Do you have something in your eye? Wait no it's just a sparkle._

_And here Remus is my best one:_

_You don't even have to use Lumos to turn me on._

_Use them well._

_I'll say it:_

_Love_

_Sirius_


End file.
